I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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