I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
