when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
