So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
