I wish my penis had an off switch
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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