I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
