If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
