I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
