i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
