I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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