I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
