Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
