I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
