she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
