woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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