Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
