I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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