Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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