nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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