News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
