it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
