While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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