i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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