I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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