Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
