i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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