if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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