Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
