We're facebook friends in real life
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
