Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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