your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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