I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
