Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
