I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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