Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
