90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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