Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found your dick twin last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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