Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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