My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I need to align my fucking chakras
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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