were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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