I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
