so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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