All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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