Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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