I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
