I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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