I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
