Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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