I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
