I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
