My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
