i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
