I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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