So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
