Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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