Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
