My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Welp...herpes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
